A Spoonful Of Regret

{Exact transcription of Lydia Willingstone’s thoughts before her death}

I’m dying.

Yes, we all are dying slowly but I’m going to exit much sooner.

I can’t hold on much longer and now that I know it, I’ve got some time to think. I want to speak about my life in a way that represents me well.

I’ve always loved penning my feelings down so I asked my neighbour Kelly for some help with this. You see, I can’t grip things properly anymore so writing or typing this on my own is out of the question.

I asked her to give it a title once I was done, so I hope she did that well. I guess I shouldn’t waste any more of my time left so here goes.

In my last few days on this bed I have thought about a lot of things. I have thought back to my childhood, my teen years, and how I entered adulthood. I can say with conviction that from my late twenties onward I lived my life with no regrets. I was completely and unabashedly myself. I no longer had to hide my identity, or be someone else in society. Even though my life considerably improved at that point, now before death, I have only been able to think about my early years.

I keep asking myself about regrets? Do I regret cutting so many people out of my life after school? Are there any regrets about leaving my friends behind? Is there any regret left about the lies I told to protect my identity? All these questions swirl around in my mind. I just know that I have to have clarity about my regrets before I leave.

I have spent the better part of most of these days pondering over those questions. I think I have finally realized what my answers are.

I have no regrets.

That’s it. What I did at that time in my life, I did for me. I had every right to be selfish, to be safe, to be happy, and to protect my mental health. I did it all so that I could grow into the woman that I am now. How can anyone regret that?

I understand that I hurt people, and I am sorry. I cannot make it up to you in any way. But do know that I cherish the time we spent together before things changed. I could have always acted with more tact to sever ties, it is true. That’s just how I saw the path progressing before me at the time. I also know that I wouldn’t change a thing given a second chance.

Now that I have said my piece, and made my peace, I must say that this is truly the end.

It is time for something that I have always longed for. My old friend is here.

{Lydia Willingstone passed away an hour after she shared her speech on December 3rd 2011. Kelly Browne submitted this tape for transcription on December 5th 2011. Since then this transcription has been published in a memoir for Lydia Willingstone. It is titled “A Spoonful Of Regret” and was published on 7th May 2018. Many classmates and old friends of Lydia have included their own speeches in the book. It speaks of the past, and the relationships that each person had with her. Many admit that Lydia’s speech speaks to them of their own relationship with her. None of them express any regrets for the way things turned out.}

Photo Credits: Dimitri.Photography (Unsplash)

3 thoughts on “A Spoonful Of Regret

  1. This is heartbreaking yet beautiful, me being in my late 20s and have been cutting off people deliberately whoever isn’t worth my peace.This made me think about myself, will I ever regret, living for myself and being little selfish? May be no because that’s what is the need of the hour.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. That’s so true, I often wonder the same and I made sure to reflect all those uncertainties in this piece.
      Thank you for taking the time to read it!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Thank you for writing it

        Liked by 1 person

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